The World’s Worst Novel

So bad it doesn’t have a title.  Or an ending.  Or a middle.

Chapter One – Revised

 

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143 Responses to The World’s Worst Novel

  1. EO says:

    I want more details on the bikini changing scene!

    Yes, I am a man, and am therefore that shallow, and worse.

    And leave it to xty to put up a new post while I toil away on the old thread. And it’s a cold rainy day here, the first of a forecast several in a row. Blah…

    Look at the bright side. Can’t mow lawn when it’s wet!

  2. Dude Stacker says:

    Me too. I wondered as I read, how long will she stay nude? It must be awesome to be a woman and be able to read men so easily.

  3. xty says:

    If you’re going to write trash, write trash! And yes, it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

  4. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i too admittedly found myself enjoying the gratuitous nudity, and wondering about fanciful camera distances and different angles. one of the many reasons that books are almost always much better than the movie based on them. but then i considered the possibility that the story is autobiographical, and out of guilt, had to reign in my imagination. it’s a good thing too, because i’m not sure i’d read chapter two suspecting that Xty had killed her “chum”. 🙂

  5. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    as to Casey research, whose subscription was very reasonably priced, as a percentage of the money i lost following the stock recommendations therein, i wonder if he told anyone to sell SVM at any point between nine and 2. i bought it when it went under 9 dollars a share, but did not renew, partly because he was still recommending it under 7 – and like an idiot, i bought more.

  6. Dude Stacker says:

    Clicking on the first link in the story led me to the 2013 winners. I especially liked the ones containing Victoria’s Secret, chopsticks, and derriere surgery.

  7. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    have you entered any of the contests Xty? i would continue reading the above story, i assume it is yours, and it is quite good, and hooks a reader fast – well at least male readers!

    i’m not sure my comment came out right, but i write fast, and don’t edit. it is just my style. but i like what you wrote – and was trying to be funny too.

    i think i could write a novel, well at least a few decent short stories. i may not have the patience to write even 50 pages. 20 page term papers were hell for me in college. but fiction is much easier for me now, for some reason. never had the chance to try my luck at that in post secondary.

    heck, i’m even getting to be a decent two pronged typer (Damn u spellcheck, TYPIST) from all this blogging. 🙂

  8. DN says:

    wow, i feel kind of honored to be here. or maybe even ‘out of place’.
    (“..worst novel ever”?.. many great writers probably say that about the beginnings of their greatest novels me thinks)
    so many dynamics- the great writer, the writing, the story, the beginning, the feedback … this is good stuff, i will watch and learn.

    ‘her chum’… lol

    i have a weird problem reading. i perceive the story happening while i read it, but can never remember the simple details. sometimes halfway through reading something that may only have 3 or 4 characters, one of the names will be mentioned and i will be like “steve?.. who is steve?”.. and will have to go back and ‘oh yeah, the main character’

    Angie has told us much about herself. this is going to be good.

  9. EO says:

    Well we decided to go “el cheapo” on the aebleskiver pan, on the realistic assumption that it would likely be a one time novelty, never to be done again. I was prepared to drop $75 on a collectible cast iron Griswold, but instead we went for the new aluminum, non-stick, with a free cookbook included. 15 bucks.

    Meanwhile, we also got a recipe for Frikadeller from Mrs. O’s cousin back in Danmark.

    Frikadeller looks basically like a Danish version of Swedish Meatballs, with different gravy, or none at all, though if we were to suggest such a thing to cousin Bente I’m sure she would be quite insulted.

    The savings on the pan means money for other staples, such as Hamm’s Beer. At DP’s .41/can, that’s a free 146 cans, from the land of sky blue waters. 😉

  10. EO says:

    SVM, geez. Here’s what I remember about SVM. The whole pissing match about whether it was a fraud or not, with ZH (believe it or not) very active in passing around the fraud accusations, and the silverbugs getting all indignant about it. There was also some talk, not without reason imho, that ZH was actively on the short side at the time. I think the proof on that little play by ZH came out a long time later.

    The other thing was a couple of threads at the Swamp where people were trying to learn about trading options. Selling puts, and stuff like that. I was on those threads (as I was on pretty much all threads in those days), trying to pass along basic education, and trying to learn myself at the same time. Thing was, these raw rookies weren’t going to learn the ropes on some stodgy old Coca-Cola stock or something. No, an astonishing number of them were playing with SVM. Why not just dowse your money with gasoline and strike a match while you are at it? One day in particular, when SVM was getting hammered, there was absolute panic on the threads. More raw meat, destroyed and fed into the meat grinder. Another whole list of people who turned their backs on the Swamp and never came back.

    As for me, I’ve bought a lot of POS miners in my day, (that I thought could not possibly get any cheaper, until they did)but I never bought SVM. I thought, “a Chinese silver miner? Really?” It sounded totally bubblicious. Kind of like that gold miner that was supposed to mine the ocean floor. I never bought that one either. It’s hard enough on land, for pete’s sake. Plus, I just always assume the Chinese are screwing you, so that bias ended up saving me some money. My analysis really wasn’t any more sophisticated than that.

    Here’s the chart. Poster child for the whole sorry episode.

  11. EO says:

    What was that one in Brazil that everybody got creamed on? I forget the name, but there supposedly was a “secret” Chinese bid for it at something like $9. There’s that word, “Chinese” again, and I never bought that one either. That was the last time that one ever saw $9. Months later, all kinds of operational troubles at all their mines came to light, shutdowns were imminent, and I think it eventually went belly up. I remember SSK at Pailin’s Corner took a terrific beating on it.

    Come on, guys. Secret Chinese bid? Lordy. 🙄

    NOte: I think that panic day on the Option threads was right on that volume spike you see on the charts there in the second half of 2011.

  12. EO says:

    JAG. That was it. Jaguar Mining. All I had to do was google “Brazil gold miner bankrupt”. Here’s the chart. Makes SVM look good.

    I wonder how much JAG stock was dumped by insiders ( and people like Casey and Rule) while that Secret Chinese Bid garbage was floating around? (late 2011, early 2012)

  13. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i don’t like books that introduce too many characters right away. so far i am most pleased to have met only Angie, Andy, and Taxi. and i think Xty did a good job of it by providing imagery which helps a reader remember the characters, by providing context. so it’s easy to remember Angie, because of the bikini changing scene, and also Taxi, because of the morning swim, because no one wants a dog pooping on their boat. and Andy, of course, well especially Andy, since all you get to see is one leg and a flipper.

    probably a good call on the pan EO. you have shown remarkable restraint as i know that you love your cast iron. and even at the steep price Dude pays, you still should have saved enough for well over 100 cans of Hamm’s.

  14. EO says:

    Mrs. O’s favorite reply, whenever I mention a miner: “Can’t go to zero, right?” 😆

  15. xty says:

    I bought a Chinese silver miner. It feels like admitting I did meth. Or got a butterfly tattoo.

  16. EO says:

    I had to go back to check on who was Angie. I know there was a lady lounging around on deck between swimsuit changes, but then my mind began to wander…

  17. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i actually think it was Sprott in on the JAG scam, but don’t quote me on that. i bought that at 4, sold at 8. or real close. the problem is that i bought it again under 4, and rode it down to almost nothing. it’s either BK now or a penny stock. i hurts too bad to look back at these companies, so i don’t. actually, i hope they all go under now. unfortunately the golden parachutes have already landed in their tropical paradises. if the SHTF, i really hope these ex”patriots” are hunted down. and back to f*****g Casey – i’m grinding my GD’d teeth!

    i am done with miners for good. you just can not trust any information you get on them from any source. gold is money alright. it attracts the exact same type of scum, er i mean people.

  18. xty says:

    And I agree about books with too many characters. I have bad retention too, and maps and things really help me.

    I am going to try to find a better reader thing though – I think I can make a flip book for free and coerce wordpress into displaying it.

    It is only autobiographical in the sense that one should write about what one knows. But I figure my heroine can be younger and hotter than me, because a book should be filled with sex and violence, as far as I can see, to be popular. Just look at the bible: carnal knowledge and murder before it is even off the ground!

    There’s going to be a website she frequents, I should warn you, and I am looking forward to writing some fictional comments and creating some cyber folk.

  19. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    actually, four characters have been introduced so far, if you count Herr Grün. :mrgreen:

  20. EO says:

    I didn’t know you were in on JAG, DP, or I wouldn’t have piled on like that. SOrry.

    If it makes you feel any better, I thought Golden Band was screaming buy, like a for sure 4 bagger. 25 cents, and an easy Buck, I figured. I’m sure I was in it in the 30’s, and finally bailed at around 18 cents in the fall of 2012. Today it’s 2 cents.

    Claude Resources. I used to pound the table on that one too. Rode it from close to $2 down to probably 70 cents before I bailed. Today it’s .19.

    I’ve got a bunch of stories like that.

  21. Dude Stacker says:

    If I was “that author’s” editor, the first thing I would say is tell us more about the dog. The next thing would be to cross out the last part of the last line on page one and suggest something not so weak, like “which lately had shown more faces than Eve and Mount Rushmore put together.”

    But that’s why I could never be an author. It would just take me too long to come up with a perfect word or phrase that would satisfy my perfectionist inclination.

    Yeah, right- a perfectionist who drinks Hamm’s. Go figure.

  22. EO says:

    Then there’s the stuff I did research on, but still didn’t buy because I was just too scared in the frantic days of the crash, spring of 2009.

    Teck Resources at $3. It bounced back to over $60 in less than 2 years, without me.
    Genworth Financial at $1. It bounced back to $18 in a year, also without me.

  23. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i have said this all before… my trades used to be in months and years. even more, i traded on fundamentals first, technicals second. fundamentals don’t work any more, for all practical purposes, they will never work if markets stay how they are, because time frames now beyond even a few weeks are too risky. there is no compensation for the risk of waiting to be right. the FED has created a casino – there is no such thing as investment in these markets. i think the manipulation is in the form of machines creating the market. math guys can conceptualize how just two computers trading each other at the speed of light, can make a market! the other thing is that information that is actionable, gets to the little guy after it’s already priced in – but i don’t know in all honesty if that has always been the case, but now time frames are just so much shorter across the board.

    my investment history can be summed up in three or four trends i got in on early and correctly, and ultimately the train wreck that was put in motion after i bought my first investment newsletters, playing the precious metals, losing it all. the worst advice of all was the concept of “buying the dips.” but i was in trouble already thanks to the Sprotts and Caseys, but i just didn’t know it yet. but heeding that “BTFD” mantra was my proverbial last nail.

  24. EO says:

    So, the wingnuts are all up in arms, what about Freedom of Speech, they say?

    Clippers stage silent protest to owner

    I agree, the guy is free to say whatever he wants. But he is not free from the consequences of it. I’m free to refuse to patronize his place of business. It is at that point where the goons get all mopy and feeling like they are being unfairly treated.

    Yeah, that short-lived CEO of Mozilla was free to do what he wants, and so were people free to boycott his browser.

    Cliven Bundy is free to say what he wants, and so are people free to turn their backs on him and all his friends.

    Just like the Johnsonville Brats company is free to give money to assholes like Scott Walker, and I’m free to never buy their fucking brats again. It’s been three years, and NOBODY has forgotten.

  25. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    man. it feels like December outside, yet, or again. not sure which is the better preposition… or is it postposition, or adposition? in any case, i came back to comment on the story, and it has disappeared. it is also too cold to go to the beer mart, to get more Hamm’s. so it is option three. i’m going to make rice crispies. and if you are wondering why i bothered to share all that, well if you could just look out the same window as i am, you would feel like you have spent a year in jail, well make it solitary, where you also have had no one to talk to.

  26. xty says:

    But I can go back and edit the story … and include suggestions from even such a pernickity fellow as the Dude. Or just make the next chapter better, hoping to live up to standards.

    The book is back. I am not happy with the display and got myself thoroughly confused with about four plugins. Some promised the moon … but I made it back to square one, which I had inadvertently deactivated.

  27. EO says:

    I just got back from running the dogs. I wore all the same layers I wear in January.

    And I just heard thunder. wtf.

  28. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    we are experiencing a monsoon rain with flash and booms, except it is too cold to be called monsoon. i’ll call it a gully washer instead. and a cat hiding under the bed sheets.

  29. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    you don’t need a picture of the rice crispies. besides, my wife ended up making them. i promised to do the dishes.

    you only wrote two pages. too soon to get picky. i liked the flow and the imagery so far. i think you are doing fine.

    my only suggestion is to not shoot any albatrosses. they are my distant cousins.

  30. Dude Stacker says:

    Don’t get too uptight, I think she understands my tongue-in-cheek efforts and has added her own imagery to moi-self. Persnickety perfectionist, does that sound anal or what.

  31. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    touché. i meant no offense. 🙂 (had to do that manually btw.) any interesting weather today over at the dude ranch?

    yes, that is Ian Frazier Kilmister.

  32. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i missed your comment about Donald Sterling until just now EO. i agree with you. the position that the far right takes is hypocritical, um, no surprise. freedom of speech, freedom to assemble, or not, freedom to buy the product offered, or not. i do not think the league should do anything at all, nor will they have to. but i do support a boycott. and also would have supported the same for Mozilla if it had come to that – i use Firefox.

    since you brought it up, here is another great big hypocrisy. these wing-nuts are always expounding the rights of the individual, but have no problems stereotyping entire races of people. and furthermore then complain constantly that the “liberal” media, 95% owned by 6 corporations, white owned, mostly whites as employees, is biased in favor of the minorities in their coverage. what is it that they feel is so unfairly presented? and btw, i checked out the full Bundy interview, and he really is a “stereotypical” backward ass bigot. 🙂

  33. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    “This is a plan set up to take down a NBA owner the gays took down a CEO of Mizilla for donating his money to a anti gay marriage group now The Blacks want to take a NBA owner on what he said in a heated private argument. between his girl friend and him. Just don’t worry about them taking your right to bare arms they are going to take your freedom of speech also.If it was up to Jesse and Al the lacrosse players at Duke would be in jail today for a crime they didn’t commit. People are scare to take the owners side because they are scare they will be next, those who stand for nothing falls for anything.”

    no, this ain’t Bundy talking, but it could be, or Stane, or some other inarticulate bigot wing-nut. but this person, like most internet cowards, preferred to remain anonymous. sometimes i even wonder if this stuff is real, but we all wasted enough time over at the swamp to know that it probably is.

  34. EO says:

    It’s not really about freedom of speech. It’s about being sensible. As an employee, if your boss is within earshot you weigh your words more carefully. It’s common sense. Don’t be an idiot.

    As a businessman, you are at the mercy of your customers. Most things sold are really commodities, and can be replaced with a competing product. So be careful. If there’s any chance anything gets back to the public that might piss them off, be careful. Freedom of speech be damned.

    I can buy brats a hundred other places besides Johnsonville.

    I really felt the Mozilla thing was a bit of a stretch, dredging up some 6 year old political contribution. But the guy didn’t do himself any favors when asked about it currently. In a day and age when the CEO is in many ways the face and voice of a company, when the board decided this guy was bad for business, they did the right thing by cutting him loose. A nameless employee, probably not. But someone who is identified with the company itself? Hell yes, clean out your desk.

  35. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i don’t know what is so hard to understand. your logic is simple EO. i think it is that these issues too easily become emotionally charged. and of course, the talking heads use that to spin up their respective audiences. it isn’t even a right/left thing to me – both sides play on emotions. but the “rights” crap is really getting tiresome, just because it is such a weak argument, and often hypocritical. same with the so called media bias. people tend to find and watch what confirms their own bias anyway. to me, all of this is really about diversion and distraction.

  36. Dude Stacker says:

    Xty, here’s another suggestion for das buchen- the next time Angie changes out of her wet bikini, you could have Taxi lick her butt. What!? Did I just say that? Allow me to explain:

    Remember after Xmas I put up a picture of Grandson with his new guitar, hat, and boots? Also remember that I mentioned peeing outside is every country males right? So yes, Grandson is continuing that age-old tradition. But he doesn’t just unzip, he puts has pants down around his ankles. Now do you remember his sister’s picture from last week with the puppy? Imagine this- he’s trying to pee, his pants around his ankles and a Saint Bernard puppy licking his butt. Yup. I was there.

  37. Dude Stacker says:

    About this same boy- it seems that “persnickity” can skip a generation and pass from grandfather to grandson. He goes to 3 year old preschool and was marked “underdeveloped” for his answer to “where do you live”. All the other kids spewed out their address, however Landon said “two miles away”. C’mon teach, your question was too imprecise for him to give you what you expected. If you want to know his address, simply ask him what his frickin’ address is and he’ll tell you.

    Just yesterday he called me and Grandma in succession to recite the Pledge of Allegiance to us absolutely perfectly (I know that’s redundant, but everyone does it).

    He’s still a work in progress though and has his own imprecisions to work out. He told me last week that his little sister had been to the “eye dentist” instead of the eye doctor. Easy to see the connections made to get that. He has been to the doctor and to the dentist. No treats at the doctor, but there were treats given by the dentist. So when the eye doctor gave his little sister a treat I’m sure he thought “you told me wrong- dentists are the only ones who give treats, so this must be the eye dentist, not eye doctor”.

  38. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    this is one of those times when Krugman absolutely nails it.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/28/opinion/krugman-high-plains-moochers.html?_r=0

  39. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    wow.

    http://dish.andrewsullivan.com/2014/04/27/the-poison-of-palin/

    and now off to hibernate. wake me up when it’s over. or wake me up now if i’m just having a bad dream.

  40. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    some soft sounds from the 70’s for Xty.

  41. Pete Maravich says:

    late at night, when everyone else was asleep, i’ve seen Xty dancing to this.

  42. Pete Maravich says:

  43. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i think it is pretty tough to get in trouble here Pete.

    http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/babys-first-profanity/

  44. Dryocopus pileatus says:

  45. Pete Maravich says:

  46. EO says:

    This was pretty good, if you are interested. I learned a couple of things, though there were also a couple of things I could have added.

  47. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    so my mystery skillet is a Lodge, because of the break in the heat ring at 3, 12 and 9, and it is before 1960 – no “made in USA”. it has what looks like a hand etched large 3, and the letters UP. so it is a size three, but what does the U mean. the P must mean pan. also a G under the handle, and a small 8. and yes, it is very smooth unlike my more modern cast iron.

  48. EO says:

    Lodge would have SK for skillet, or DO for dutch oven. No idea on the UP.

    It’s not even listed on this page, which is my go-to site for cast iron. Big list of Lodge codes at the bottom of the page.

  49. EO says:

    Concerned about inequality in America? Blame Reagan. Refreshing to see an article about Reagan that tells it straight. He took most of the progressivity out of our tax bracket structure. Just the opposite of what is needed. We’ve all been screwed ever since. Dubya then made it even worse.

    Rand Paul Risks Wrath of Conservatives by Exposing the Truth About Their God, Ronald Reagan

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